Good Morning, Class of '64
Sundays with Larry
We Don’t Catch the Smart Ones
Law
enforcement is just like fishing. We catch a lot of small fry but very rarely
catch a big one.
One of my
favorite not-very-smart inmates was a hippie. He and his commune were traveling
the country in the ultimate Hippimobile, a Volkswagen bus decked out in bright
sunshine colors and huge flowers. When their engine blew, they drifted into a
parking lot for white water rafters. The hippies thought their karma was good—a
Volkswagen in the parking lot whose owner was floating down the river.
They dropped
the blown engine from their Hippimobile and replaced it with the engine from
the car in the parking lot. Only took a couple of hours for the whole job. Then
they drove off into the sunset searching for perfect harmony, love, peace, and
of course, a better high. Leaving their blown engine in the parking lot, with
its identification numbers! Catching them was like fishing with a bare hook!
Another broke
into a career Army man’s quarters at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. He
stole some checks, made one out to himself, forged the payer’s name and tried
to cash it at the band on post. The teller was suspicious of the signature so
went to the back to call the payer to verify the signature. The thief panicked
and ran, leaving his driver’s license at the bank. That’s fishing with bare
hooks suspended above the water.
My personal
favorite was an inmate I’ll call Dumble Dum Dum—the name fits. Dumble grew up
in a small town with one traffic light (whether they needed it or not) and one
bank. He and his pal had been stealing hub caps, auto radios, breaking into
empty houses, etc.—small time crime to fund their booze and pot habits. They
decided to go big time, to hit a bank. The choice of which bank was not
difficult—there was only one.
They armed
themselves, Dumble with a 12 gauge single barrel shotgun (single barrel means
single shot) and his pal with a beat up revolver. All good bank robbers have to
have a mask, so they each pulled a stocking down over their heads. Ladies,
remember when you donned your stockings one at a time. Dumble was a very tall,
very large barrel chested man with a large prominent off center nose. Believing
he could conceal his identity with a stocking was a little like a dog putting
its head only behind a tree and believing it is hidden.
The Willie
Sutton wantabees burst into the bank flourishing their weapons shouting, “This
is a stick up!” Everybody down on the floor!”
A feisty
teller firmly stated, “Dumble Dumdum, I’ve got a new dress on and won’t get
down on the floor for any man!” They panicked and ran.
When the
police came, it took a while to get the story because everyone was laughing so
hard. When the robbers were named, the police remembered seeing them standing
on the corner just down from the bank. When the police went back, Dumble and
his pal were still there, stockings and weapons concealed in their clothing.
Didn’t even need a hook for that fish—he jumped into the boat.
On these three
stories, I read the file and repeated the facts with no embellishment. This
last story I got from a correctional officer. He got it at another prison. Fred
never lied to me about anything else so I believe this one.
The inmate
went into a bank. He showed the teller a pistol and demanded money. The teller
was a young lady probably chosen because the robber thought she would be more
afraid than the older ones. Bad choice—she was uncommonly smart, very cool
headed, and very brave. She pointed at the pistol and asked what it was.
The robber
became quite confused but managed to blurt out, “It’s a gun! It’ll shoot you is
what it is!”
The teller
said that she was a gun collector but had never seen a gun like that one. She
sweet talked the robber into letting her examine the gun. She then threw down
on him, “Down on the floor MF! Freeze!”
When it comes
to the stupid things that criminals do, truth is always stranger than fiction.
An associate warden used to chuckle, shake his head, and say, “They pay us to
work here!”
Thanks for this!!!jmc
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